Catherine Kaplan, Ph.D., LLC 
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
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Relaxation Techniques:  The Need to Relax

6/11/2015

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Our lives are fast-paced and hectic, filled with challenges from work, to home, to social relationships.  The modern pace of life has brought with it a stress-filled day, little “free time,” and insufficient opportunities to connect with family and friends, and often along with all of this comes anxiety and/or depression or other mental health issues.  It is as if our stress response is being triggered throughout the day, but our bodies were not meant to live in continuous states of stress. 

Over many decades, we have overlooked the mind-body connection and many people are truly unaware of just how much we need to pay attention to our thoughts, our feelings, and to creating a sense of peace or calm for ourselves. It is not only significant for mental health, but also relates to our physical health as well.  Additionally, it is relevant to our social relationships, as the more stressed we become, the less able we are to offer ourselves to our family and friends. 

Many of my clients come to me without a sense of how to soothe themselves.  There are many ways to achieve this and people can benefit from utilizing a variety of sources of calming activities and practices.  For example, we are often soothed by our relationships with others, when they are calm and positive influences in our lives.  Sometimes this may mean spending time with your significant other or a close friend, and sometimes this may occur through organized group activities, such as a religious group or even a team activity.  Exercise is another great way in which people can relieve a bit of stress and promote overall well-being and any form of exercise you enjoy, will do!  In addition to this, there are specific relaxation practices that can help to soothe one’s self.  In therapy, I often train clients in deep breathing practices, visualization, or progressive muscle relaxation techniques.  Most clients report back to me how much they enjoy these activities and how they had not previously realized the extent of their tension or stress, or the degree to which they can calm themselves.  

When considering relaxation techniques, two elements have been identified which seem to be sufficient in creating a break from anxious or worried thoughts and help to shift the individual into a more calm, soothed state.  Dr. Herbert Benson has studied meditation and found that two elements are key:


1.  Focus on something (it could really be anything:  your breath, a number, a word, an image)
2.  When other thoughts arise, re-focus (return your thoughts back to the thing you originally   
     focused on).

It is through focus that we can shift our minds away from worries, preoccupations, details, and to-do lists and make a break in the stressful, anxious chain of thoughts to which our minds have become so accustomed in modern days. 

Spending just a little time each day using a relaxation technique that includes these two elements can help to decrease your body and mind’s stress response.  If you have the time to practice this daily, do so!  If not, find little ways to create small spaces for practice.  For example, you can spend just a minute or two before a meeting, when you arrive at a destination, or before a meal, simply breathing, focusing on the breath, and disallowing for intrusive thoughts.  You may be able to do this several times a day, ultimately achieving 10 or 20 minutes of practice throughout the day.  While more practice is better, any practice at all is good.  And, as you start to become familiar with the feeling and effectiveness of relaxation, you may find you make more room for it in your busy day.

If you really want to make a positive change, consider joining a yoga or meditation class.  These offer scheduled, social opportunities for regular and continuous practice, with the support of an expert who can help you learn to become more in-tune with yourself and your body.  And, of course, don’t forget that psychologists, too, can help you learn and develop these skills as well.


 

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When your adolescent is struggling....

4/9/2015

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If you are a parent, one of the more difficult things you may have to deal with is watching your teen struggle with low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, or another difficulty.  We love our children and want to support them, but sometimes it is hard to know what your teen is going through, how to help your teen to confide, or how to help.  

NOTICING THE SIGNS


It can be tough to know when your teen really needs help.  Some common indicators include:
  • Your teen is withdrawing from friends
  • Your teen is isolating more and/or seems less interested than normal in his/her usual hobbies and activities
  • Grades may drop significantly or unexpectedly
  • Your teen seems distracted
  • Your teen appears sad or depressed
  • Your teen reacts in a big way to things that appear to be minor
  • Your teen is sleeping more than usual
  • Your teen's self-esteem seems to drop
  • Your teen is less interested in eating or is losing weight
  • Shifts in personality, such as an increase in aggression or anger
  • Other more obvious cues, such as self-harm (i.e., cutting), or voicing thoughts of suicide

Generally, these changes are not one-time occurrences, but rather more persistent changes, lasting a couple of week or more.  If you notice any of these changes in your son or daughter, he or she may be struggling with mental health difficulties.  It is important, at this point, that you reach out to your son or daughter in a supportive manner, in an effort to learn more about what is going on.


HOW TO HELP


Take some time to sit and talk with your teen.  Actually, listen MORE than talk.  Ask your teen how he or she is doing, possibly prompting by sharing what you have noticed (in a non-blaming, non-critical manner) and ask your teen about it.  "Honey, I have noticed you've been in your room alone a lot more recently and you seem unhappy.  Are you o.k.?  Is anything bothering you?"  Be extremely careful not to judge or criticize.  Criticism conveys a lack of approval and will cause your teen to stop talking quicker than you can say, "I'm sorry."  Just listen.  If they share something, recap what they are saying and ask if you have understood them correctly.  Teens often want to talk, if they believe you will listen to them, support them, and not critique them, or "take the other side."  Try not to get discouraged if your teen will only give you minimal information, or "Yes" or "No" answers.  If you let them know it is safe to talk to you, they will, when they are ready.  


Be careful, in this day and age, to give your full attention to your teen.  If you are on the computer or multi-tasking, your teen will understand this as a reflection of his/her lack of importance to you.  Also, if your teen does open up, be careful not to rush to offering solutions or problem-solving.  It is tempting to do, especially if the 'answer' seems obvious.  But, teens (and adults as well) often don't need answers from you.  What they need is to feel loved, respected, understood, validated, and important.  Their emotions need more attention than their problems.  Talk to them about how they are feeling, how difficult their struggles must be for them, what it must feel like, and how much you care about that.  And let them correct you if you misunderstand.  Try and remember, as long as they are still talking to you, you are doing a good job.  If your teen asks for advice or solutions, offer them gently and express that it is your opinion or thought, but not a requirement that the teen does as you say.  Give them space to make the decision for themselves.  


Don't forget to check back in with your teen regularly.  They need to consistently hear that you care and value them, which is conveyed when you check in and follow-up.  You may even ask your teen if he or she would like to talk to a professional.  You would be surprised to hear how often a parent tells me that their son or daughter asked to talk to a psychologist.  Don't assume your child will turn down the opportunity for help.  Also, make sure you let your child know how normal it is for people to struggle, that all people struggle at times, and that many, many normal and sane people will go to see a psychologist at some point in their lives to get help in dealing with emotions and problems.  It is critically important to your teen's sense of self to view wanting or needing help as a healthy decision and not a sign that they are somehow flawed or different from others.  Also, don't forget to use other resources you may have at hand, such as the expert advice of your pediatrician or school support staff.


In the end, if you remain calm, behave lovingly and respectfully, and listen, your teen will likely open up to you and allow you to help him or her to get the assistance that is needed.  



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Relationships and Technology

3/6/2015

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What is most important to you?  Most likely, it is the people in your life, your family and friends (and yourself), that you value and that give your life meaning and significance.  With changes in technology, the manner in which we attend to one another has changed greatly.  Technology and the Internet allow us infinite possibilities for interacting and sharing knowledge, exploring new words, and exposing ourselves to a wider world.  However, it can also consume us.  How much time do you spend on your devices?  What is the level of quality of time you spend interacting with others who are important to you?  The phone and video conversations can allow us greater access to our loved ones, but also consume time we could spend engaging in face-to-face interactions or real life activities.  Do you feel the same after searching for information or playing games on the internet as you do when you sit and spend time talking, touching, and engaging with a person in the same room or outdoor space?  Are you more or less likely to have misunderstandings when you communicate in person or via technology? 

 Technology has changed the rituals of many normal human processes.  Has it done so in a way that is better or worse?  In my office, clients come in and tell me about their relationships that seem to occur via text messages.  This is very different from even a conversation on the phone, no less a real life interaction.  I often hear clients complaining that someone special to them only texts and never talks.  We have to be aware of our own practices and careful to be mindful of the need to connect “in person.”

 Some of what is lacking when we over-rely on technology includes the sensory experiences that enrich real life.  We do not smell or touch things we see on the Internet.  We do not hear the tone of someone’s voice or the sound of their laughter when we text.  These are all important to our human experience. 

 How much time do we spend on technology and how often do we miss spending ‘real time’ together?  How much do we miss simply going outside and engaging in life?  Is your balance between technology and others the right mix for you?

 Some signs you might be spending too much time engaging electronically include:

·      You find it stressful or difficult to talk in person
·      Avoiding talking in person and texting instead
·      Increased stress in your relationships
·      Others complain they are feeling neglected by you or they say they don’t get enough of your attention
·      You have decreased time spent in non-technology-related activities

 Carefully consider how you use technology and the impact it has on your relationships and your life.  If the balance isn’t right, you might need to become more mindful of your practices.  Real life time spent with your significant others, your children, and your friends is precious and irreplaceable.

 

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Love Messages

2/24/2015

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Valentine’s Day has passed and spring is approaching (although it might not feel that way, it is truly coming!).  Couples have different ways of celebrating their relationships, ranging from “We don’t do Valentine’s Day” all the way to expensive gifts and outings.  There is no right way to celebrate, but what is significant is the meaning between the two partners and the message of the celebration (or lack thereof).  I’ve had clients come into my office in the last week or so telling me, “We don’t do anything for Valentine’s Day.  It feels forced and we’d rather just celebrate when we want to.”  If both parties view the lack of celebration as a reflection of their closeness (in other words, they see their choice as a shared decision and one that is based on connection), that is functional and not problematic.  In essence, the decision not to participate is something they share and view as part of their connection.  The same is true of fancy gift giving and making a day of it.  If both parties enjoy this practice and place meaning in it, the end effect is positive.  However, whether Valentine’s Day, or any other day of the year, what is important is the message each partner construes from every day events and interactions.  Do both of you feel loved?  Do you get a sense your partner is there when you need him/her?  Are you able to ask for your needs, explicitly, so your partner can hear and understand your request?  Can your partner refuse your needs in a way that still leaves you feeling loved? 

These are important questions because it is generally NOT what happens on a day-to-day basis that defines our enjoyment and satisfaction in a relationship.  Instead, what matters is how we feel. 

 Check in with your partner today.  If you and your partner are struggling, feeling hurt or rejected, or afraid to communicate your thoughts or your needs, it might be time to seek out some assistance.  Relationships can be healed.  Your relationship is worth healing, isn’t it?  Reach out to your partner and, if need be, reach out to a therapist to help support the process.

 

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February 17th, 2015

2/17/2015

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    Dr. Kaplan is a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in couple's & individual therapy.

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